


Firsts

by kaitou_marron



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Gen, Speculations about the past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-10-01
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-01 02:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaitou_marron/pseuds/kaitou_marron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Yukio-centric one-shots focusing on his different first experiences – they will range from humorous to dark topics, take place during various times of his life, and explore moments that shape his character.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Time Yukio Recognizes The Presence of Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focuses on the first time Yukio recognizes the presence of demons.

Yukio is too young to remember the first time he recognizes the existence of demons. However, the memory of that moment haunts Fujimoto until the day he dies…

***

The Okumura twins at seven months old kept Fujimoto busy, so he enjoyed any rare moment of silence afforded to him. Standing with a peaceful smile on his face, Fujimoto merely watched the babies in their cribs. Rin’s head bobbed happily back and forth, as if he hadn’t a care in the world. And Yukio, the calmer of the two, was staring off into the distance, a serene look in his eyes.

Soon, Fujimoto realized that Yukio was becoming increasingly agitated. At first, the baby only turned his head from one side to the other, but then he began shaking his little fists at something in the distance. When Yukio’s started breathing erratically, each wheezing gasp hitching in his throat, Fujimoto began to worry.

Fujimoto turned to see if Rin displayed any of the same characteristics as the distressed Yukio. However, the older twin’s demeanor remained cheery. Confused, Fujimoto whipped his head around studying the room carefully. He spotted an approaching coaltar demon. Apprehension unfurled in Fujimoto’s stomach as he quietly observed Yukio’s eyes focusing on the coaltar and following its movements, his little fists slashing the air as if warning the demon to stay away.

Unable to deny the truth any longer, Fujimoto whispered, "You can see the coaltar, can't you, Yukio? And you can feel how wrong it is." Verbal recognition forced Fujimoto to accept his deduction, and dread coursed through him causing his heart to plummet. “It’ll be okay. Your father will take care of everything,” he reassured, picking Yukio up from the crib and holding him close. In Fujimoto’s arms, Yukio calms down.

Before this moment, Fujimoto had no positive proof that Yukio could see demons. Although Fujimoto reasoned that Yukio would have likely received a spirit wound from Rin at birth, he hadn’t witnessed the twins’ birth, and thus wasn’t sure if Yukio had been afflicted. Upon adopting the twins, Fujimoto prayed everyday that the human baby had remained unblemished by a demon’s touch. However, his prayers proved to be fruitless. ‘I’m sorry, kid,’ he thought, his lips tugging downwards. ‘Fate is just not on your side.’

Fujimoto had already contemplated different options in how to rear Yukio, provided that the boy had received a spirit wound from his older brother. Although Fujimoto would have preferred to raise Yukio as a normal, non-demon seeing human, this alternative was no longer viable. Accepting the truth and acting accordingly would yield the best outcome for all parties involved. Deep down inside, Fujimoto knew that he only had one choice when it came to Yukio’s upbringing, even though thinking about it made him sick to his stomach.

Yukio’s fate was sealed upon being marked with a spirit wound; he would never escape a lifetime of seeing demons. Instinctively, demons could tell which humans could detect their presence, so Fujimoto knew that they would torture and bully poor Yukio until his breaking point. The only way to spare Yukio a lifetime of torment was for Fujimoto to take this boy, an innocent, and turn him into a warrior. It wasn’t a life he wished for his son or for anybody really. However, if Fujimoto didn’t train Yukio well, he knew he’d have a high possibility of outliving his son. With a pained expression on his face, Fujimoto says, "I'm sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever know."

As Fujimoto stands with Yukio nestled in his arms, he contemplated the harsh future his human son would inevitably have to face. With guilt stabbing at his heart, Fujimoto prayed that someday his son would be able to forgive him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this was a really appropriate point to start this line of fics focusing on Yukio’s firsts. I honestly can’t imagine Fujimoto wanting to subject Yukio to the lifestyle of an Exorcist, unless he feels he has no choice. [/feels need to explain] Anyways, I hope you guys all enjoyed. As always, any feedback is much appreciated. (Next up is Yukio’s first demon kill, which honestly is the topic that started me on the theme of Yukio’s “firsts.” I really want to write it, and I hope I’ll be able to do a good job. Wish me luck!)


	2. Yukio’s First Demon Kill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focuses on the first time that Yukio kills a demon.  
> Much thanks to Analineblue for the beta (and for assuring me that I’d achieved the mood I wanted to).

Yukio trains under Fujimoto’s tutelage for about a year before his father decides to subject him to field experience.

In the past month, Yukio has witnessed countless arguments between Fujimoto and Shura, all of which revolve around him. Whenever his father and his senior think his attention is elsewhere, they attempt to discuss him discreetly. However, Shura’s inability to be subtle makes Yukio painfully aware that he is their favorite subject to debate. Even with a textbook propped in front of him, he can’t help but overhear the conversation taking place in the next room.

“You need to take scaredy cat out for a mission,” Shura insists.

“I can’t do that,” Fujimoto replies. “You know that he isn’t an esquire, yet. Thus he isn’t sanctioned to go on missions, much less carry weapons. The Order has decided that no one under the age of ten can take the esquire exam. You saw how hard I had to fight to even get him enrolled in the cram school with a reduced course load.”

Shura guffaws as if she has never heard anything more ridiculous in her life. “Since when are you the type to follow the rules? You’ll do what you want, and Mephisto will turn a blind eye. More likely, he’ll actually help you.”

“Yukio needs more time to prepare,” Fujimoto says.

“I was fighting by your side with less training than he’s gotten,” Shura counters. She pauses and lets out a long sigh, the tone in her voice softening, “Don’t you think you ought to see if he’s cut out to be an exorcist?”

“He’s too young for a mission,” Fujimoto reiterates. “It has nothing to do with his capabilities as an exorcist. Yukio’s existence is the reason the Order made that rule about esquires being at least ten years old. He has already shattered all precedents for studying exorcism.”

“Doesn’t that tell you something?” Shura asks contentiously. “If the Order doesn’t think an eight year old kid is ready, shouldn’t you re-think his training timeline? Maybe in a couple of years he’ll be more capable of handling this sort of training better.”

“Yukio must follow this path,” Fujimoto replies, his voice sounding tired. “He has no other option. The longer he trains, the better prepared he’ll be for the future.”

“I’ve heard this story before,” Shura comments in a bored tone. “You know my opinion of scaredy-cat four eyes. Honestly, there are worse things to face than being picked on by lesser demons… If he becomes an exorcist, he’ll be subjected to so many dark experiences.”

“Seeing Yukio train over the past year hasn’t changed your first impression of him?”

“He has gotten better,” Shura admits. “But that’s because he works hard. He’s a smart kid, which is why he’s whizzing through those classes. But he’s still too soft. I’m just not sure he’ll be able to handle himself in battle or cope with the things he’ll see on missions. Even with as far as he’s come, I’m always skeptical of people being able to change their nature. Your son is gentle, Shirou. Are you sure you want to sully his hands?”

“You’re wrong about him,” Fujimoto insists, his voice quiet but confident.

“You have to disagree with me,” Shura states. “If you didn’t have faith in your decision, you’d have to live with the fact that you’ve put that boy through hell for the past year for nothing. Just take him on an easy mission. Goblins, even. They usually don’t get out of hand. He has enough skill for that, especially with you by his side.”

While listening to this conversation, Yukio’s face flushes with rage and embarrassment. Part of him wants to march into the other room and tell Shura that she’s wrong and that he’d be happy to prove it. However, this decision is not his to make. Until his father tells him he is ready for combat, Yukio will continue to feign ignorance about Fujimoto and Shura’s constant arguments about his suitability to be an exorcist. He drops the pretense of studying and sets his textbook down as he hears his father continue the conversation.

“I thought you said he wasn’t cut out for this,” Fujimoto comments dryly.

“I stand by my opinion, which won’t change unless he shows me he’s capable of handling himself in action. Just test the boy. You need to see for yourself if he can pull the trigger when he needs to. If you keep on ignoring the practical side of this occupation, he’s never going to learn, and he’s going to end up getting himself killed!”

Yukio cringes at the harshness in Shura’s tone and the implications of her words. Although Shura’s approach seems callous to Yukio, he can’t help but admire her ability to get her way, as he finds himself accompanying Fujimoto and Shura on his first, unauthorized mission that night.

***

As Yukio checks to make sure he has extra clips and holy water on him, his father approaches him out of Shura’s ear shot. “Don’t tell your classmates I took you out. It’ll be our secret.”

“Yes father,” Yukio responds, his obedience automatic.

“And Yukio, you know you can do this. You’ve worked hard and trained well. And, well, I’m proud of you.”

Yukio manages a watery smile. He tells himself, ‘I cannot disappoint father. I have to prove Shura wrong, so I can keep training. Giving up now would be letting Rin down. I cannot let that happen; I will not let that happen.’ With his intentions clear in his mind, Yukio walks towards the door where Shura lounges lazily.

“Hey, scaredy-cat four eyes,” Shura says through heavily hooded eyes. “You understand what tonight is about, right?”

“It’s a test,” he replies tightly, meeting her gaze with a glare.

“At least you’re a smart one,” she comments, unfazed by his withering look. “I’ve never made it a secret that I don’t think this is the path for you. You’re too young.” She lets out an exasperated sigh. “It’s more than just your age. Your whole personality doesn’t agree with being an exorcist. You’re too gentle. You just don’t have that toughness inside you.” She shrugs as if she has no other words to explain her thoughts with.

Yukio narrows his eyes but says nothing.

Shura continues, “Let’s make a wager. If you manage to kill one of the demons tonight, I’ll stop trying to dissuade you from training. I’ll even stop bugging Shirou about this subject. However, if you can’t manage to kill a single demon tonight, then you quit studying exorcism.”

Yukio contemplates the challenge. Not having Shura constantly interfering with his studies certainly has its appeal. “Fine,” he answers. “You have yourself a deal.”

***

As the trio heads out into the night, Yukio keeps a watchful eye on his surroundings. The tall buildings, bustling with life during the day, seem ominous when cloaked with the dark of night. Autumn has long since stripped the trees of their leaves, so when the winds blow, the branches knock against each other. To Yukio’s over-active, eight-year-old imagination, the sound reminds him of rattling bones. However, the image that unnerves him the most is the moon, its sickly orangey glow reminiscent of the flesh of a rotting melon. Every observation about this night fills him with dread and triggers internal warnings that scream “danger.” Pressing his trembling lips together, Yukio grips a gun tightly in his hand and hopes he doesn’t look as nervous as he feels.

“Relax, scaredy cat,” Shura says, thumping Yukio on the back more forcefully than he likes. “You won’t be able to do anything if you’re too tense.”

Looking up at Shura, Yukio feels both annoyed and awed by the older girl. A part of him simply cannot understand her calm attitude towards impending peril, while another part wishes he could muster the same confidence that she radiates. Yukio reasons that no harm can come from him acing assertive, so he squares his shoulders and says, “I’m just being observant. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It’ll okay, Yukio,” Fujimoto assures him. “You’ll be fine. Do you see those three goblins over there?”

As his father points, Yukio’s eyes follow the direction being indicated. “Yes, father,” he says. “Are they our target?”

“Yes. There’s a stray dog that has died in that alleyway, so they’re getting a bit rambunctious.”

“Let’s go!” Shura exclaims, interrupting the explanation. “Scaredy-cat four eyes, do your best to take them out.”

The manner in which Shura addresses him has always annoyed him in the past. Tonight, with his pride and future on the line, his blood boils at her dismissive words. “That’s what I plan to do,” he retorts, his tone short.

“That’s the spirit,” she says, flashing him a barbaric smile.

So, the three of them approach the goblins quietly with Yukio in the lead. As they near the alleyway where the goblins are congregating, one of the demons notices their presence and heads towards them with a speed that catches Yukio off guard.

“Yukio!” his father encourages. “Aim and shoot!”

Yukio stares at the approaching demon, momentarily dazed. ‘I can’t do this. I’m not cut out for violence like this. Even if they’re demons, they’re still alive. So to shoot would mark me as a murderer.’ These irrational thoughts render his motor skills useless, and his grip on the gun weakens.

“Oy! Scaredy-cat four eyes, it’s getting close!” Shura warns. “If you don’t shoot, you’re going to lose.”

‘I don’t want Shura to be right,’ Yukio realizes. The intensity behind this thought surprises him. ‘I’ve already decided to do this. My resolve is who I am. I’ve put so much effort into training so I can protect Rin in the future. I have to do this for myself, my father, and most importantly for my twin.’ The adrenaline coursing through his body finally allows him to move again. Raising a shaking hand, he aims his gun at the quickly approaching target. With a deep breath, Yukio shuts his eyes and prepares to squeeze the trigger.

“Idiot!” Shura reprimands. “What are you doing closing your eyes for? They’re quick. They can dodge.”

Shura’s words jolt Yukio back to reality. As his eyes spring open, he finds himself face-to-face with the goblin. Instincts take over, and Yukio fires twice in quick succession. His immediate reaction of joy at having won his wager with Shura is short-lived, because the impact of the bullets causes the goblin in front of Yukio to explode, drenching him with its remains. Shock holds Yukio’s body hostage, and he barely notices his father and Shura springing into action to take care of the other two goblins in their proximity.

Yukio can’t move, think, or speak. He is only aware of the fact that he’s covered in goblin guts. Blood, having the color of grape juice and the viscosity of honey, soaks his clothing, saturates his hair, and streaks his glasses. Pieces of demon carcass feel wet, thick, and slimy as they run down the side of his face. The putrid smell that surrounds Yukio reminds him of decaying flesh. Overwhelmed by these gruesome sensations, Yukio starts to panic. ‘The smell is so awful. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of this odor. I’ll forever smell like a corpse. I’m so sticky and slimy. I’ll never feel clean again.’

Whatever tenuous grasp Yukio has over his emotions vanishes, and a horrified shriek rips out of his throat and echoes eerily off of the alley walls. Yukio immediately regrets his actions, as demon flesh and blood drip into his opened mouth. The taste and texture of the goblin carcass is even worse than the smell. He feels as if he’s tasting death.

Nausea washes over Yukio, and his grip on the gun loosens, which sends it crashing to the ground. Soon, he follows suit, dropping to his hands and knees, while coughing and gagging at the taste in his mouth. Yukio’s throat convulses, and his stomach churns violently. In his bowed position, he retches until he rids himself of his dinner. Once his body stops heaving, he sits upright and takes in one deep breath after another. However, he can’t keep his gaze from settling on his hands, which are covered in demon remains. Disgusted by the sight of those hands -his murderous hands- the events of the night rush over him again sending his emotions into overload. He finds himself sobbing and screaming uncontrollably, unsure if he will ever be able to stop. Even through his hysterics, he is vaguely aware of Fujimoto picking him up and hugging him tightly and of Shura’s laughter ringing in the background.

‘Is this what I’m doomed to face every night for the rest of my life?’ he wonders, sickened by the prospect of his own future. Then blissfully, Yukio’s world fades into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) I struggled with how to portray Shura’s speaking and decided not to use slang. (I had trouble with “yer” substituting for two different words, ‘you’re’ and ‘your’. =p) I think consistency is more important, yes?  
> (2) Both the anime and manga gloss over Yukio’s path to becoming an exorcist, so I had a lot of trouble (and fun) trying to reconcile my speculations with given canon. (For example, would the Vatican sanction a seven year old kid to carry weapons? I really didn’t think so… )
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed. As always, thoughts, comments, and con-crit are much appreciated. (Next up, I’m going back in time – Shura and Yukio’s first meeting. They hit it off right away. Can you hear the sarcasm? =p)


	3. Yukio and Shura's First Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Yukio meets Shura for the first time, and they hit it off right away... or not... =p

Yukio has been studying exorcism with his father for nearly a month with lessons concentrating on pharmacology. However, when Fujimoto mentions the importance of mastering one of the offensive specialties, the fact that he is actively training another student naturally surfaces.

“You have another apprentice?” Yukio asks Fujimoto, practically beaming.

“Yes,” Fujimoto answers, scratching the side of his face and looking slightly uncomfortable. “But Yukio, you really shouldn’t get your hopes up.”

Confused, Yukio inquires, “What do you mean by that, father?”

“Her personality is very different from yours, son.”

“That doesn’t matter!” Yukio exclaims enthusiastically. “If she is your student, then she must be bright, capable, and strong. I can’t wait to meet her! So what is her name? You did say it was a girl, right?”

Fuijimoto nods and then replies simply with the name, “Kirigakure Shura.”

Although Yukio notices his father’s trepidation with his questions, Yukio continues his interrogation. “How old is she?” And if she’s not like me, what is she like?”

“She’s eighteen,” Fujimoto responds easily to the first question. Biting his lip thoughtfully, Fujimoto finally says, “As to her personality, she’s really hard to explain. You’ll have to meet her.” With that, Fujimoto takes one of his keys and opens the portal connecting their monastery to the exorcism cram school wing of the True Cross Academy.

***

Yukio follows his father to the classroom they’ve been using for his private lessons. Upon entering the room, Yukio sees a teenager with a wild mane of two-toned hair wearing nothing but a bikini top, a skirt, and a scarf. Lounging languidly in a chair, the young woman sports a bored expression. At first, Yukio is taken aback by her appearance, but he scolds himself at his quick judgment, ‘She’s father’s student. There’s nothing to be scared of.’

Approaching the older girl with a smile on his face, Yukio introduces himself. “Hi, I’m Okumura Yukio, seven years old. Pleased to meet you.” He bows his head and continues with his rehearsed greeting. “I started training with father about a month ago, and I’m thrilled to have a peer in my exorcism studies. I’m sure there’s so much I can learn from you.”

Shura stares at Yukio incredulously, as if he has sprouted a second head. Suddenly, Yukio feels nervous, and he takes a step back.

The girl gets up from the chair and stalks towards him, an unreadable expression on her face. She stares at him for a moment before addressing Fujimoto. “What the hell is this, Shirou?” she asks, making a rather rude gesture with her thumb towards Yukio.

“My son,” Fujimoto answers without skipping a beat. “I told you I’d be bringing him by today. You’ll help him train offensively.”

“How the hell did someone like you raise a wimpy kid like this?” she asks, clarifying her first question.

Yukio deflates. This reception is hardly the big-sisterly welcome he was hoping for, and he finally understands his father’s warning about not getting his hopes up. “I’m not a wimpy kid,” Yukio defends. “I’m trying my hardest with my studies.”

Shura raises an eyebrow at him, and says, “Are you for real, kid?”

Yukio doesn’t understand and says as much. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“I mean your mannerisms, all formal and shit. There’s no way Shirou could have raised a well-mannered kid like you.”

“Is there anything wrong with being well mannered?” Yukio asks, getting the sneaking suspicion that Shura is insulting him.

However, Shura ignores Yukio and turns her attention back to Fujimoto. “What in the world are you thinking trying to turn a kid like him into an exorcist? He looks like all he’ll be able to do is cower in the face of danger. Get him the hell out of here.”

Before his father can defend him, Yukio intervenes on his own behalf. “What gives you the right to judge me? I don’t want to hear criticism from you, when you can’t even dress yourself properly.”

Shura turns towards him, a dangerous light in her eyes. “Hey, kid, you should keep out of this. I’m trying to save you from getting into something you’re clearly not suited for.”

Although Yukio is tired of validating his personality to Shura, he can’t help but try once more. “I will become a fine exorcist!” Yukio declares loudly. “Father has faith in me.” He looks to Fujimoto for support and receives a smile and gentle nod.

She raises an eyebrow at him. “Becoming an exorcist isn’t something to be entered into lightly. Do you understand what it means to risk your life daily? Do you know how it feels to constantly have demons target you? A kid like you can’t handle it. I can tell. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re just too docile. Give up and go back to your normal life.”

Shura’s harsh, unflattering assessment of Yukio cuts him to the core, and he feels tears of frustration gathering in response to her words. Everything he wants to gain by becoming an exorcist flashes through his mind – confidence, control, and strength. He needs these attributes so he can protect his brother. With his emotions running on overdrive, Yukio discards his normally passive persona, and words explode from his mouth. “I can’t have a normal life! I see demons all the time. They already target me. The only thing I can do is learn to fight!” Yukio clamps his trembling lips together to prevent himself from making any embarrassing sobbing noises; however, he can’t keep his tears from spilling out of his eyes. Shura favors Yukio with a different look, but he can’t tell of the impact of his words are positive or negative.

“You’re crying,” Shura observes.

Yukio nods in response, hot tears streaming down his face.

“You’re scared of the future, right, kid?”

Not trusting his voice to deliver a confident answer, Yukio nods again.

“Are you scared of me, kid?” she asks, her lip quirking up.

Yukio nods his head vigorously.

“Kid, if you find me scary, you’re going to be useless in battle,” Shura says frankly with no fanfare.

“You don’t know that,” Yukio manages to grind out between the sobs, hating that he’s helpless to stop his own tears.

“I’m rarely wrong about things,” Shura continues. “I get a feeling, and you, kid, are not suited for exorcism.”

Yukio’s brows furrow at Shura’s words, as he tries to understand her personality through them. Thankfully, this concentration acts as a distraction causing his tears to dissipate. “It seems like I’m not going to change your mind with words,” Yukio says slowly, realizing the truth to his words. “You’re just going to have to wait and see.”

Shura raises an eyebrow. “Ahh, getting a backbone, are you, kid?”

‘Kid, kid, kid,’ Yukio fumes on the inside, the way Shura addresses him grating on his nerves. “Would you please stop calling me ‘kid’? I find it rude.”

Shura’s mouth twists into an amused smile. “Should a kid who’s scared of everything be making such a request?”

“Yes,” Yukio responds, knowing that his quivering voice doesn’t provide a very convincing argument for himself.

“Alright then,” Shura says, a wicked light gleaming in her eyes. “I’ll call you something else.” She pauses, tapping an index finger against her lower lip until inspiration flashes in her eyes. “How does scaredy-cat four eyes sound to you?”

‘I hate that even more,’ Yukio thinks, horrified by the prospect. Saying nothing, Yukio concentrates on keeping his countenance expressionless. He refuses to give Shura any more leverage against him. Despite all of his efforts, he watches as Shura’s grin widens. Instantly, Yukio knows that something in his face betrays him. Shura’s triumphant smile tells him that she is aware her new nickname for him has its desired, negative effect.

At this point, Yukio reasons that no further damage can be done by expressing unhappiness with her new pet name for him, so he politely requests, “I’d really prefer that you’d address me with my name.”

Shura responds with only laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have been having trouble with words lately. This may be due to an increasing desire to cosplay Mawaru Penguindrum and my own inability to concentrate on more than one thing at time... I also agonize about things, like how to introduce characters with respect to their family and given names. I picked one and kept it consistent. As always, thoughts and con-crit are welcome.


	4. The First Time Yukio is Forced to Lie to Rin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Yukio realizes that having a secret life means needing to deceive Rin, which doesn't come easily.

Yukio has been studying exorcism for about six months before Rin finally comments about Yukio being oddly absent from their home.

“Hey, Yukio, where do you go after school?” Rin asks, his voice full of innocent curiosity.

The question catches Yukio off-guard, and he’s not sure why he hasn’t considered that Rin might notice him spending much of his time elsewhere. Unaccustomed to deceiving others, especially his twin brother, Yukio flounders while trying to find an appropriate answer. “Ummm… just an activity,” he says, deciding to be vague.

“Really?” Rin asks, his lower lip puckering thoughtfully. “What kind of activity?”

A myriad of topics Yukio can use as an excuse flash through his mind. After a long pause, he settles on, “Softball?” He cringes at the uncertainty in his voice that sounds apparent even to him. As guilt from the lie starts to gnaw on his conscience, he tries to convince himself that training in the batting cages counts as softball.

“Do you think that maybe it’s something I could do, too?” Rin asks.

Yukio feels as if someone has punched him in the gut. ‘How am I supposed to answer this?’ he asks himself. ‘How do I discourage Rin without hurting his feelings?’ As he opens his mouth to give an answer, any answer, he can’t help but notice the hopeful look in Rin’s eyes. Instead of uttering words, all Yukio can manage to get out is a pained squeak.

‘I can’t,’ Yukio thinks wildly. ‘There’s no way I can tell Rin “no.” He already suffers from isolation without me adding to that feeling. I understand the loneliness he deals with, because I feel it, too. I can’t hurt my brother in the same way I hurt.’ His bottom lip starts to tremble, and warmth gathers in his eyes.

When Yukio remains silent, Rin persists with pleading his case. “It’s just that I miss having you around. You’re gone a lot, and when you come home, you’re always reading books.”

Yukio’s chest tightens uncomfortably. As thickness builds in his throat and wetness continues to pool in his eyes, he knows the time frame he has for answering grows shorter. Even though the idea of crushing his brother’s plans of spending more time with him breaks Yukio’s heart, he knows that this action must be taken to protect his brother.

So, Yukio forces himself to say, “There are a lot of people. It requires teamwork, and I’m not sure it’s something that would come easily to you.” Yukio feels awful at having to lie to his brother, especially when the fib is harsh and hurtful. Yukio lowers his head, too ashamed to even meet his brother’s gaze.

“Oh,” Rin answers.

The lackluster tone in his brother’s voice alarms Yukio, who looks up once more. Rin has a crestfallen expression on his face. Inside, Yukio feels his heart crumbling into tiny pieces. He doesn’t want to upset his brother like this. ‘I’m doing this for your own good,’ he screams on the inside, hoping that by some miracle his brother receives this telepathic message. “It’s just not something I think is suitable for you,” he says, attempting to explain his lie.

When the dejected look doesn’t lift from Rin’s face, Yukio’s feelings of helplessness cause the first of his tears to fall. As he blinks, the moisture continues to stream down his face.

“It’s okay, Yukio,” Rin comforts. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. We’ll find other ways to spend time together.” With that, Rin gently brushes away the wetness staining Yukio’s cheeks.

Rin’s placations only make Yukio feel worse about his treacherous deceit. Yukio wants to throw himself in his brother’s arms and beg for forgiveness for being so unkind… and for lying. Yes, a part of Yukio desperately wants to tell his brother the truth. He has never kept secrets from Rin before. However, he understands the reasoning behind having Rin’s true nature remain confidential.

Yukio supposes emotional strength is just another type of resilience he is attempting to learn from his father; however, he has never felt further from achieving this goal. Managing to flash his brother a watery smile, he says, “I’m sorry.” The words seem insufficient to make up for the pain caused, but this apology is the only consolation Yukio can offer.

Losing the battle to keep his emotions in control, Yukio runs from his brother. The action may seem dramatic, but he considers it the only option, lest he starts sobbing and telling his brother all of the secrets he has been keeping. Yukio finds sanctuary in one of the unused prayer rooms of the monastery. He sits between two rows of benches, knowing this placement will make it harder for Rin to find him.

‘I’m sorry, Rin,’ Yukio thinks, the tears still coursing down his cheeks. ‘But I have to lie to protect you. I have to sacrifice your emotions now… for the greater good of keeping you safe.’ Even as he tries to rationalize his hurtful dishonesty, Yukio still can’t help but feel like he is the most wretched little brother in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arrrg, words! I wish they’d come more easily. I wanted to do something touching between kid!Okumuras. I’m not sure if I did them justice, but I hope I did (and that you guys all enjoyed reading). As always, thoughts and con-crit are welcome.


	5. The First Time Rin catches Yukio Sneaking Home After a Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Rin catches Yukio sneaking home from a mission for the first time…

Yukio returns from his latest mission in a particularly foul mood. Thankfully, tonight isn’t the worst of nights that he has lived through. On the worst nights, his comrades lose their lives. Earlier tonight, Yukio saved a fellow exorcist’s life, even though he hadn’t been able to save his co-worker’s leg.

Although back home at the monastery, Yukio still finds himself distracted by the events of his last True Cross Order assignment. So instead of using his customary stealth while sneaking back into the room he shares with his twin, Yukio enters the bedroom normally gambling that Rin won’t wake up.

‘I’ve been a meister for nearly a year, and Rin has yet to wake up during me returning from missions,’ he reasons.

As Yukio heads to his closet, rage and helplessness well up within him. “Goddamnit,” he whispers in frustration. Something about him, Satan’s son, cursing God strikes him as comical, and he can’t help his mouth from twisting upwards into a bitter smile.

‘I didn’t get my proposal to Mephisto fast enough,’ Yukio laments, dropping his long, black coat onto the floor. This proposal, which he has been working on for the last three months, details the importance of having more than one qualified doctor assigned to each mission. Yukio meant to finish the official paperwork earlier, but with high school exams quickly approaching, he prioritized studying.

‘Great,’ Yukio thinks sarcastically. ‘I sacrificed Honda’s leg… so I could get into True Cross Academy.’ With lives on the line, the concept of high school suddenly seems silly. Yukio knows that even if he does not secure the scholarship he is aiming for, Mephisto would pull strings to allow him to attend True Cross Academy for free. However, Yukio’s pride rebukes the idea of accepting charity, which pushes him to put in the effort to earn a scholarship. In the end, another exorcist paid the price for Yukio’s ego. The guilt that rushes through Yukio settles as an uncomfortable knot in the pit of his stomach.

With a heavy sigh, Yukio gingerly moves his left shoulder. His father redressed his wound upon his return from the mission. However, under the compress of herbs and bandages lay ribbons of slashed flesh, tendons, and muscle.

‘I had to administer first-aid on myself first,’ he tries to convince himself. ‘Otherwise we both would have died. There’s no way I could have saved Honda with my left shoulder untreated. I would have been useless without my left arm. I was the only doctor on that mission. The necrosis spread so quickly. I did the best I could...’ His rationalizations do nothing to assuage his guilt. Yukio always feels responsible when people get hurt or killed on one of his missions, and his failures keep on piling up in front of him. ‘I’m not sure how much more self-blame I can bear.’

“Yukio?” Rin’s voice rings out from the darkness, catching Yukio off guard.

“Rin?” Yukio asks, feeling a nervous sweat break across his forehead. In this precarious state of mind, Yukio doesn’t know if he can handle his brother. “What are you doing up? You’re usually such a sound sleeper. I’m sorry to have wakened you.”

“Nah,” Rin responds easily. “It’s not you. It’s just that the injuries from the fight I got into earlier today are just a little painful. They’ve kept me up tonight.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Yukio responds. Although the sympathetic words leave his mouth easily, he can’t help but feel disconnected from his brother’s problems. Rin’s anger management issues and petty fights don’t seem nearly as serious as Yukio’s own daily battles for survival. At the young age of fourteen, Yukio has already witnessed more death, gore, and violence than he would wish on even his worst enemy. Earlier tonight he had to cut out a massive chunk of a co-worker’s right calf without having enough anesthetic on hand. The memory of his fellow exorcist’s shrieks of agony still echo in Yukio’s mind, chilling him to the bone.

“So what are you doing up?” Rin asks, his voice soft and good-humored. “Sneaking back home after meeting girls?”

“Yes, Rin,” Yukio retorts, his voice full of sarcasm. “I was out meeting girls all night.” Yukio can’t help but think about how ridiculous this conversion is – his brother accusing him of something as frivolous as dating when in actuality he has just returned from performing an on-field surgical procedure that came close to amputation. With a sad sigh, Yukio realizes how different his world is from his twin’s.

“You don’t have to be mean,” Rin mutters back. “Just what were you doing? I thought you always went to bed early - something about how a well rested mind does better at school.”

Yukio exhales loudly. His need for sleep is one of many lies he has invented over the years to keep Rin’s curiosity at bay. Yukio has been faking going to bed early for months. This lie is easier to maintain than constantly coming up with new stories as to why he needs to leave their home every night.

Truthfully, Yukio hasn’t slept more than five hours a night since he has become a meister. His exorcism studies and duties, as well as normal school work take up too much of his time, forcing him to sacrifice sleep. “No, brother,” he says, the lie forming in his head as he speaks. “I was downstairs studying. I’ve got entrance exams to take soon. Even I have to study for those.” Yukio congratulates himself on the plausibility of the fib.

‘When was the last time I had trouble lying to Rin?’ Yukio wonders. When searching through his memory yields a blank, Yukio instantly feels ashamed that having to deceive his brother has become such a common event.

“Hey, Yukio, are you okay?” Rin asks.

Yukio hears the rustling of fabric and creaking of bed-springs.

“I’m fine,” he replies, dismissing Rin’s worries. On inspiration, he adds, “I was just wondering if I needed to get you some ibuprofen or something for the pain.” It’s another lie, but he knows Rin won’t be able to tell.

The light thumping noise that gets louder tells Yukio that Rin is approaching him.

Yukio reaches out, hesitantly, his fingers weaving their way through the darkness until they collide with something solid. The curvature of the surface tells Yukio that he has come in contact with Rin’s shoulder. “There you are, brother,” Yukio says, dropping his hand so he can grab Rin around the wrist. “It’s hard to see in the dark.”

“Hey, Yukio. Thanks… for taking care of me,” Rin says.

Rin’s words surprise Yukio, whose heart swells with emotion. These little gestures remind him why he sacrifices his livelihood daily. Although this simple statement does not include appreciation for everything Yukio has gone through for his brother’s behalf, Rin’s recognition in any capacity is all Yukio needs most of the time… not all of the time, though.

Stopping suddenly, Yukio lets Rin’s wrist go and turns to face his brother, only to have Rin run promptly into his chest. For a moment Rin stands still, and Yukio fights the urge to wrap his arms around his twin in order to remind himself the reason behind his sacrifices. His control trumps his emotional whim. “It’s just nice to hear you say that every once in a while,” Yukio whispers.

Rin grumbles something unintelligible in response, and the mood is broken. Together, the twins head downstairs, and Yukio grabs a bottle of ibuprofen and two glasses of water. He purposefully sets out two pills for Rin, and when his brother isn’t watching pops a small handful of the painkillers into his mouth. As he swallows the medicine, Yukio tries to convince himself that Rin’s innocence is worth the damage to his physical and mental health, because at times, especially following particularly awful missions, Yukio really isn’t sure.

This moment forces Yukio to realize how different he is now than from when he started studying exorcism. At the age of seven, he was nothing more than a boy with high hopes and noble purposes. He wishes he could return to that simple, emotional state, when all he wanted to do was to repay a debt to his brother who constantly saved him in the past.

However, in the last seven years, Yukio has grown more quickly than he imagined was possible. The carnage associated with battle forces Yukio into adulthood at an early age, and he finds himself unable to completely separate his negative feelings from his twin. Every horror Yukio has witnessed, and every terror he has lived through only emphasizes the fact that he constantly sacrifices himself for Rin’s sake. Sometimes he thinks that his sole purpose is to serve as a martyr for his twin.

‘I’m tired of shouldering the karmic burden for the both of us.’ The thought flashes through Yukio’s mind reflexively. Just as quickly, shame floods his consciousness.

Deep inside, Yukio knows that since Rin is oblivious about his true identity, Rin cannot be blamed for Yukio’s situation. However, Rin’s very existence causes Yukio’s suffering. These opposing emotions tear at Yukio’s psyche. Even though Yukio’s feelings regarding Rin are conflicted, his own feelings about himself have never been clearer. ‘I’m such a weak, hateful being,’ Yukio can’t help from thinking. ‘I wish I could be better for you, Rin. I wish I have the same strength of spirit as you do, to give and save selflessly. But I can’t stop myself from feeling the way I do. I’m sorry that you got stuck with such a wretched little brother.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get something out for the twins’ birthday, so here it is. =) Basically, this chapter contrasts the previous one to show how Yukio’s burden as an exorcist has affected him. His love for Rin is still exists, but things get complicated…
> 
> This chapter is probably going to be the last of this fic (at least for a while). When I started thinking about Yukio’s life as a student at exorcism cram school, I thought that having classes with people several years his senior would make for some interesting encounters. However, this would require fleshing out OCs and contemplating how people we see as his peers in the series (i.e. teachers who are currently teaching Rin and potentially Shima’s older brothers) would have interacted with him. I sort of started the next chapter, and it just became difficult. So I got discouraged. >.>
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and the fic overall. As always, any comments (or encouragements to continue) are welcome.


End file.
